Truth be told...

Truth be told, I can’t sing. No like really, I’m not saying it for attention. I’m tone deaf. If you’ve ever heard me sing I’ve either at a country concert, in church (because after 23 years I realized god doesn’t care) or I’m singing to my children. My entire life I’ve been surrounded by people who are amazing singers and there is honestly, nothing I’ve ever wanted more than to be able to sing well. Seriously, I used to make bargains with god if he would only fix my voice I would become a Christian singer or music director at a church.

 

Anything.

When I was expecting my first baby I remember telling Luis how sad I was that my kids wouldn’t have a mom who could sing to them. One of my fondest memories of my childhood is of my mom (or dad on occasion) singing my Amazing Grace, Favorite Things or Elsewise at bed time. While other kids got stories, or nothing, I got a song. And my mom, her voice is stunning. So I mourned this for my children even before they were born.

 And then something happened. I got this kid would loves music. Nico hears music in everything. Most recently, running his fingers over the spicks on his bikes wheel. So before I knew it, I was singing. Every day, all the time. And my kids respond instantly. My awful, tone deaf voice, can turn an epic meltdown into laughter in 30 seconds flat. I sing to keep them busy, to calm them down, and to be silly. But of course my favorite, to put them to sleep. It takes 4 round of Twinkle Twinkle and 2 rounds of Silent Night, in case you were wondering.

 My inability to sing well and its astonishing ability to sooth my kids is my daily reminder that doing something is always better than not. You know when you pass that person and you just know they need a smile or an encouraging word but you don’t know what to say? Say anything. When you’ve had a fight and you can’t figure out how to make it right? Say I’m sorry. When your friend is really struggling and you know $10 bucks could make or break their week? Give it up.

 Sometimes we over think it. We make it complicated. Difficult. Confusing. Truth is, it’s not what you say or how you say it, it’s only that you said it. Or did it. Next time you’re afraid, remember my voice. Yes my tone deaf, awful singing voice. And do it.

-Peace and Grace

Nomalize breastfeeding, huh?

Either I have joined far too many mom type groups on Social Media or the surge of breastfeeding posts have swarmed at once. Regardless, there is this idea in the pro-breast feeding community that we need to "normalize" breast feeding. It's this idea that as more people see mothers nursing their babies, the less uncomfortable society will be with seeing mothers nursing their babies. The idea it's great. The approach, well it sucks. Of course, this is only one girls opinion.

The thing that I don't understand is why do people think they're going to normalize breastfeeding by doing anything other than being normal about breastfeeding? People are uncomfortable by anything that is unusual to them. So please explain to me how posting a bunch of nursing pictures, over-the-top e-cards, boobie beanies and encouraging women to nurse uncovered is going to make people more comfortable with breastfeeding?

This is your P.S.A: The only way, and I repeat, the only way, to normalize breast feeding is to be normal about breastfeeding!

I've been nursing one of my two children for just over 2 years. I have nursed in 2 countries and 6 states. Numerous churches, beaches, malls, restaurants and parks. Countess government offices, doctors offices and whatever else office. At airports and on airplanes. Professional sporting events. Every amusement park in Florida. Multiple family gatherings. And most recently, my favorite, while climbing a mountain. 

Do you know not one single time has anyone ever told me I 'should' or 'need' to cover up or go somewhere else. Am I immune to these remarks? Do people somehow forget they are offended by  breastfeeding when they see me doing it? I seriously doubt it. Obviously the sheer act of nursing isn't as offensive as people claim. Maybe it is all in the approach. Maybe it is in a defensive attitude. Maybe it is the own uncomfortable attitude of the person nursing.  

I recently read an article that a mother was told she could not nurse her baby in Victoria Secret after shopping there. The women asked the sales lady and she told her, "...I don't think you can do that here." My first question is, why did she ask? And second, why did she listen? Third, why post an article about it? NO one cares. Nurse your baby when and where you feel comfortable, dammit.

Maybe I'm being clear, maybe not. The point I'm trying to make is that we, breastfeeding mothers, need to be normal about what we are doing because it is normal. Stop shoving it down peoples throats (unless it's a boob and it's your baby), stop making a big deal about it, stop acting like you're doing something great thing.

 

STOP. STOP. STOP.

And do this, please. Nurse your baby when, where and how you feel comfortable. Don't ask or apologize to anyone. And if someone has something to say just smile, keep nursing and say this.......

Did you catch that? Say this......

Nothing.

Say nothing. You don't owe anybody anything. Do what your doing. Be normal.

Oh and mommas if you want to cover, go in another room, your car or the bathroom because that is where you feel comfortable, do it. Being a rock star breast feeder doesn't even mean you have to feel comfortable lifting your shirt in public without a cover just to join the breast feeding bandwagon.

 And a friendly reminder, be kind to everyone. Being a rock star breast feeder doesn't even mean you are using your breasts. So think twice before you judge that mom with a bottle in her hands. Maybe she's working double time pumping or using donor milk or supplementing.

-Peace and Grace

Walking on sunshine

Last weekend was epic.

Goes down in my book as one of the best. I even have the bruises to prove it.

When I had kids I swore I wouldn’t let it stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. As of this weekend, that included hiking a ridiculously huge mountain. With the help of babywearing, we successfully hiked the rainforest for 5 hours where we visited an ancient Ingenious Indian village. The day only got sweeter when swam in the breathtaking ocean and camped along the water. So close you could hear the waves crashing on the white sand beaches.

The day couldn’t have been more perfect. Even if I am still sore from carrying both the babies, sleeping on the ground and wearing the totally wrong shoes. The trip reminded me of how beautiful god’s creation is, how perfectly he planted each tree, laid each stone and placed each grain of sand. Every once in a while we all need an, ah god is good moment.

In the words of John Mayer, you should have seen it with your own eyes...because really, the pictures don’t do this place justice.

But here you go anyway, I’d be depriving you not to share.

 

Luis looked like a travel guide

Nico and me (with Char) inside of the huge rocks

Nico making friends...

Nico standing with the rock where Indians performed sacrifices

 The step like indentations were for blood to pool

Half way up the mountain

Sleepy dust even on the trails

"...hike not suitable for children under 5"...without babywearing

And all of that to get to this... worth it?

Welcome to paradise

 

-Peace and Grace

Oil and water

If you know me at all, you know I'm not shy about my ever struggling relationship with Charlotte. So the other day when Luis was telling me yet again about how perfect she was for him, I rolled my eyes. And he laughingly replied, "You two are oil and water". And right then, there was a air lifted from the room. It isn't just me. He sees it too, he feels it too.

I felt bad, really I did, for all of about 3 months. But I don't feel bad and I shouldn't. She sure doesn't feel bad, trust me! Nearly everything she does frustrates me. I don't understand her at all. I don't connect to her the way I do to Nico. I can't slow her breathing with mine, I can't sooth her to sleep and I can't ever seem to make her happy. I am not the ying to her yang. The icing to her cake. I am the rain to her parade, seriously.

I saw this posted in one of my groups and it couldn't be more true.

I've completely come to accept that Charlotte and I are different. We may never be the same, we may be at odds forever, we may never be friends. Believe it or not, this was the best thing I ever did. I removed all the pressure from our relationship. I'm not expecting her to be anything. I've accepted her already, at 15 months old, to be whoever she is. If we are friends of the best kind I will be overjoyed. But she wasn't given to me to be her friend.

She was given to me to shape her soul. To be her biggest supporter, her cheerleader, her compass when she is lost, her shoulder to cry on, her confident. To be ears to listen when there is no good words to speak. To tell her to try again and never give up. And that sometimes she's fought too hard and it's okay to throw in the towel. To encourage her when she has lost her hope and light her path when she's wandering. To listen to her dreams and believe in them. To love who she loves. To be proud of her for simply being who she is. Ultimately, she is mine so I can show her who god is. 

You see I've learned this thing about oil and water from my relationship with my own mother. If you try to mix it you stir it up, leaving it all confused. Leave it sit and it settles right where it belongs, separate but touching. Close and comfortable but not lost. But if you wait, until you´re ready to use it, oil and water make the best combination. Ive learned about this from my relationship with my own mother.  As much as my mother would love for me to be like her, she let me be me. Even when it was hard, like right now.

So if Charlotte and I are oil and water, it's not so bad. My mom happens to be my best friend, it took 21 years but it happened. Even if we will never share the view we are happy to hear about it.

-Peace and Grace

Works for me

You know those things people tell you when you are having a baby? The ones about how to do it this way, or that way. The ones about how you'll never want to leave your babies and go to work. The ones where your entire live becomes the movie Daddy Daycare, with your day consisting of chaos and dysfunction. I'm still being told by people everyday they "don't know how I do it". These two topics specifically bug me to no avail.

Truth be told, after both babies arrived it was hard for a few weeks. Maybe a few months, maybe. But you get in a groove, you figure out what works and you don't worry about the rest. My function isn't their function and theirs isn't mine. I can't understand how someone lives in a messy, disorganized house. But hey, it works for them. I think it's crazy when I hear other moms say their husbands don't help around the house or with the kids. But hey, it works for them. I think it's crazy when I talk to a mom who stays home with no car and 3 kids under 3 and loves it. But hey, it works for her. I can't imagine life when I meet a mom who is away from her family for day or weeks at a time for work. But, ...well you get the point.

The point is, there is not a right or wrong way to do life. And specially, be a parent. But seriously, it's taken me the entire time I've been a mother to accept this. Specifically speaking about working. I like to work. I don't feel bad about that. It made sense for me to be home when Charlotte was small but it wasn't my wish. I was great at it, being a part time retail worker, part time Mary Kay lady, and full time mommy. (okay... I've never honestly been unemployed but you get the point) It was an amazing 13 months that I wouldn't trade for anything. Seriously, my kids are awesome. You should hang out with them sometime!

But here and now, I'm not sorry to say, I've loved being at work full time the last few months. 
Like honestly, I love it.
I don't count hours and exchange good for bad. Saying I was away from my kids for this many hours today. I count the hours I am with them and use every one of them to its full advantage. Because working, works for me. And more importantly, it works for us. Because honestly, we are a better family when I'm working. I'm a better mother and a better wife. Luis is a better father and husband.
And my kids, they don't know it's mom or dad, because its always been mom and dad.

It's the beautiful truth. I shouldn't feel bad that my kids love being with their dad or in school. Because my son is so me and thrives off other people. Why should I hold that against him or myself. What works for me is my families happiness. If I believed for one second that my children were going to be harmed by my being away, I wouldn't do it. Not now, not ever. Just like when Charlotte was born and working outside the home wasn't the best; we change our course, figure out our new way and make it work for us. It an ebb and flow.

Living in Colombia has taught me a lot of things. A LOT. The biggest thing I've learned to accept is that there is no right or wrong way to do life. The reality is, our ideas and expectations are set by our upbringing, society, religion and culture. Does this make them "right"? I don't know. I'm still a believer in a few moral absolutes.  But for the most part I've come to fully accept that I don't make the rules and I'm not sure who does but I'd like to meet them. Maybe they can tell me how to figure it all out. 

Actually, wait, I take that back. I don't want to know the rules. 

I'm responsible for my decisions to myself, my husband and my children. And of course, god. I don't need to know the rules because hey, rules are meant to be broken. I play by the ones that work for me.

-Peace and Grace

Doing it right

The other day my very talented best friend shared on her blog about how she had this revelation that she didn't really have it all "under control". You can read it here. It got me thinking. Especially since I am surrounded by social media groups with other "do it right" moms. Don't get me wrong, I was one too. I can still hear myself just a few months ago telling Luis how I was concerned about moving here and not having access to organic food, non-chemical household products and keeping my perfectly kept schedule. How could I possibly sacrifice my children health by eating, dare I say, conventional food? How could I put toxins on their little bodies and sleep at night?

Reading her blog made me realize how far I've come. And yes, I mean that in a good way. Most people probably wouldn't believe me if they meet me on the street but I am a Type A personality. A do it now, all the way, the right way, the first time. I always wanted to be the best or nothing less. Even failing to try new things because I might not be so good at them. I lived my life that way for a long time. And then something happened. Something terrible. I didn't know who I was, what I believed, what was good or bad, I had no happiness. I had a list of unachievable tasks and a room full of unfulfilling accomplishments. I was a beautifully miserable product of the "doing it right" world.

I've come to be a full believer that nothing in moderation kills you. I've practiced this for most my life, but recently I've mastered it. In soccer, I ran every sprint to the line even if I finished last but please don't ever expect me to show up on time. In college, I never skipped classes but I would sure copy someone's book notes so I didn't have to read yet another book about political history in the 1600's. I went out, drank too much and had too much fun but I was always up at 5:30am for work. Never missing a day no matter how tired or hung over I was. My first real job taught me that you work hard, you learn everything you can and you'll be promoted. But hey, sleeping with the boss doesn't hurt.

Forgive me for being so candid tonight, I'm tired of the facades.

 

Then I had kids and I like every new mom I had to get it right, didn't I? Now please don't get me wrong. At the same time, I refuse to salute to the "crunchy" army and lay my life down before that stranger gives my kids candy. I've accepted there are still of course certain things I wouldn't compromise on, I begin to realize I was so parenting in moderation. I'm confident to say we don't vaccinate and I'm not sorry about it. I've accepted I circumcised my son because it was important to his dad, even though I wished otherwise.  I've come to terms that I couldn't breastfeed my first baby as well or nearly as long as I would have liked but I am nursing my second into high school. (just kidding...maybe) I'm comfortable to admit my kids have consumed more sugar in the last 3 months than I did for my first 14 years of life. As well, they have tried tons of new food and eat more fruit than humanly possible. In the short 2 years and 2 months that I've been a parent I have learned moderation works for me.

Even McDonalds. There I said it: I feed my kids McDonalds. And I admit I like the fries also!

 

I look at my life today and I wonder what my 16 year old self would think of me. If my "right way, wrong way" mind could have possibly wrapped around the idea that I have a 2 year old and I've been married 3 months. 

If I would have, honestly admitting, judged me. I often wonder if my younger self would have wished never to be me? The truth is, probably. The saddest part for me is I know what I would have missed. I know what got me here and I wouldn't trade one single memory to "do it right".

I can confidently say I know what the inside of cop cars and hospitals look like. I've dated men far too old for me and it saved my life. I've woken up next to a stranger I met the night before and didn't feel bad. I've tested every authority to prove their place. I've danced in the rain with my best friend just incase I could never dance again. I took a risk on a boy and he broke my heart. I've stayed out way too late, played music way too loud, annoyed every Walmart employee and had far too many stomach aches from greasy fast food at 1am. I've dared to push every limit, every boundary, and question everything in hopes to learn something new. I have had honestly, one of the most eventful, privileged, traveled, experienced life's I have yet to meet. Does my story have some dark parts, definitely. But I would never be able to appreciate the light otherwise.

So as I sit here, reading every other Facebook post about how someone should work certain jobs, raise their kids, eat their food, be married or not be married, how to live their lives and the lists go on and on. I'm pleased to admit, as far as I'm concerned, I'm doing it right. I've got this under control. Sorry I'm not sorry for saying that. I've made a lot of sacrifices in the name of "doing it right" but happiness, that's not one I'm willing to make, not anymore. I'm confident to say, no one ever died from ice cream and coke.

Don't wait for life to pass you by or sit around waiting for something to happen. Because unlike popular belief, something will happen. Life will pass you by. This is my anthem, if it's on your bucket list, do it today! Or start it, get momentum on your side. Don't worry about "doing it right".

JUST DO IT! You won't be disappointed.

-Peace and Grace

Crazy, beautiful life

     Ever think your life is crazy? That everything is in limbo? Spinning faster and faster out of control? Wondering where it's going to stop?  

                                                                           WELCOME TO MY LIFE!

     No but really. I've written about this enough, you get it, my life is crazy. Always! I've grown accustomed, it's sort of my normal. Our normal. Luis is a sport! 

    Just last week, he'll just yesterday, I thought I was heading to Chicago. Well things changed, plans didn't go as planned and I decided to stay in Santa Marta. Sometimes I don't like the things life presents, sometimes I try to play God and make things happen. And then God does his God thing and shows me why he's the big guy upstairs. 

    This morning I woke to an email from the director of the school where I was originally trying get a job. A teacher quit, today. They need someone to start immediately. It's 2nd grade, just like I was assistant subbing for in the fall. Im the lead teacher. And the pay, double.

                                                                        I think God's got this! 

    Here's to starting a new adventure doing something I've never done before. Luckily I've got the best team. Luis is an all-star dad and can handle anything. Well, except breastfeeding, but I will give him a pass on that one. Thankfully I can wake tomorrow, leave for work and know my babes will be in great hands. 

     I have a favorite poem, If by Rudyard Kipling. I think it more than applies to my life. Advice to all, be weary in choosing a favorite story, it might become yous! 

-Peace and Grace

Home is where..

 Home is where the heart is.

 

We all know the saying. It makes sense, it really does. Right? Well it does until your heart isn't where your home is. When your head is elsewhere also it makes for an even more difficult situation. I've been struggling since we arrive in Colombia with just about everything. Nothing is going to plan and everything seems 10 times harder than I thought it was going to be.

I should know this is the way it is already. The last 4 years of my life have been anything but easy. And I've said it a million times and I'll say it again, I wouldn't trade my experiences for easy. But man, easy sounds really nice about now.

So when my brother happily offered me the opportunity go back to the US to work for him, make some fast cash and get out of here for a bit I almost jumped on a plane. At first it seemed like a great idea, for everyone. We could certainly use the money, our business is in a stand still and I haven't slept in peace in weeks. Then came details called Nicolas and Charlotte. And 'details' make things a lot harder. Details said this isn't going to work.

Maybe it was details or maybe it was just life once again telling me to wait it out, to trust the process. I've learned I can't make things happen that aren't right, no matter how bad I want something. Sometimes I have to remember this. Today Luis put it simply, stop living anywhere but here. He is right. Home is where the heart is but my heart hasn't been here. Maybe it doesn't seem real, maybe it's the adjustment, maybe it's fear, maybe it's sadness. Maybe it's the reality I had NO idea what I was really getting myself into.

So tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I've been blessed beyond belief. I'm going to put my heart out there, embrace the adventure and believe it is good. One day at a time.

 

2014 be gentle.

-Peace and Grace

 

 

Happy Monday

 

This post should have been written yesterday but yesterday became today and toady went away quickly. Days seem to do that here, take forever and disappear quickly all at the same time. Most of the time I don't even know what day it is. Then before I know it a flood of people arrive, chairs line the beach and the music goes up a few notches and I welcome the weekend. Its Saturday in Taganga.

 

The past 2 weeks have been an experience to say the least. It's tourist season. I have never in my life seen so many people in one place. Taganga might have Disney beat, seriously. Needless to say, the tourists bring life to Tagnaga. Hippies come to sell anything and everything and someone is always putting on a show. From throwing knives to playing guitar, everyone is looking join the festivities. And to make a buck.

 

It's been an exciting few weeks in comparison with the laid back feel Taganga carries most the time. Like anything good, there is bad. Well not bad just hard to deal. The bar stays open until 4am and people are still trickling their way home at 5am. The noise makes for lack of sleep.

 

It's a price you pay I suppose, for the energy, but it will be gone all too soon. I've been pleasantly surprised to have met many American's here. It's a known fact Americans don't travel the way the rest of the world does. Americans travel in luxury, not for experience. Either way, it was nice to meet some Americans, young and old, testing out Colombia. Would you believe me if I told you they really like it? Imagine that.

 

Yesterday was Luis' birthday. He is now officially an old man. Or if 60 is the new 40 ,is 30 the new 10? If so this would explain A LOT. We spent the day as typically as so. Beach, nap, dinner and bed. Somewhere in between I think he watched football? Some things you begin to pay less and less attention to. That's not such a bad thing, trust me, no one cares FSU won the National Championship. Just saying!

 

Happy Monday (or Tuesday)

Here's to 30 and 30 more! :)

A day in the life

Feliz Ano Nuevo!

 

We spent the first day of 2014 beaching it, Taganga style!

 

 

 

This morning while Charlotte was sleeping I let Nico paint. His new favorite hobby! While I was washing cloths, Charlotte woke up and joined him. They forgot to use the paper. Don't you know skin makes for a much better canvas! The old me would have been upset I had to clean them, the ground and everything else they touch. The new me says, let me get the camera!

 

 

 

There are about 6 Iguanas, we have seen, that live in the trees right off our balcony. On an daily basis Nico stands, calling for them.

"Iguana! Where are you!?"

 

After today I will never ever look at a washing machine the same. We've been able to wash and hang. Until this week when the washer broke. The now massive laundry pile was screaming at me, but the very fashion washing machine was screaming louder! The mess of cloths all over my floor won.

 

First you fill with hose water, soak in detergent, wash cycle. Pretty simple.

 

Then comes the fun.

You remove, place in bucket, of clean water, rinse and add softener.

 Then you put back into washer for spin cycle. Finally hang to dry.

Whew! This is exhausting!

 

At least you come in to find Daddy and Nico doing a sticker book of animals.

 

-Peace and Grace