Relationship

I've often wondered if its part of life's purpose for me. Maybe its a "something in the making" type of thing. It seems I have trouble staying in one place too long. Yes I grew up and lived in West Palm for most of my life. Yet within that time I bounced around between groups of friends, boy friends, sports teams, three churches, mission trips, hockey teams, home school and high school. Ah then there was three colleges, St Louis, so many dates I lost count, Luis, graduate school, moving to Port St Lucie, two more churches, four different work positions, two children and just now finally starting to make this place feel like home. 

Do I enjoy change? 

Yes.

 Am I totally exhausted from the change the last 5 years? 

Defiantly. 

I have never in my life been so ready to slow down. To settle in just a little. To maybe paint the walls a color I like. To feel familiar, comfortable. I'm ready to grow my family by one or two or three. Maybe be able to get a job or volunteer somewhere. 

I had an awesome outing with a bunch of my friends before my wedding and one of my newer friends said to me, "All of your friends are so different". And I thought, that's because I have met them so many different places and at so many different places in my life. It proves a few things, the most important is that I'm blessed. Not many people have friends that have been around so long, that have stuck through all this with me. I'm also blessed to have new friends who haven't given up on me even though they know our time is short. Maybe this is why I have moved so much, why I haven't been put too long. 

Maybe god doesn't put people in my life cause I need them but maybe they need me. No, I'm not conceded and no I'm not special. I just don't know why life has made it so hard for me to stay put, to stay close. I always knew it would be best to keep a distance, it was easier than getting hurt. I learned this a long time ago. The truth is I suck at it. I get close to people easily. People confide in me, not because I'm special, but because they see trust in me. I thank god for that. I love my friends, their families, their children very deeply. I can honestly say there isn't much I wouldn't do for a friend in need.

The thing is, I'm an open book. Nothing is off limits. If I feel led to share some piece of my heart, my joys, my burdens, my life, then I do. Not everything and not to just anyone, only if I feel like it's what they need to hear. I believe that god allows us to go through things in life so we can share when someone else is in need; our burden can lighten their load. My story is no different than anyone else's, its just mine and I am usually willing to share. I've learned a lot these last two years about relationship. About what it really means to me and how important I make it. I've been lied to more times than I can count and forgotten about more than I can remember. I'm not perfect, there are plenty of things I would do differently in my relationships, plenty of things I try to do better everyday. I've learned that my spouse will always be my best friend, that god always has a open ear and a closed mouth and that people really do the best they can. Honestly, hear my heart- they really, really do. So as you read this, if there is someone you are looking for an apology from, forgive them. And if you owe someone an apology, call them. 

Even through all of that, I did learn I was right, that I did need to keep a distance, to protect me heart. If you are privileged enough to know my story, my secrets, my heart - please keep them safe. And if not or maybe not yet, don't worry my husband doesn't know all of me either. Somethings are better left right where they are, in the past. Just as quickly today will become the past, what's done is done, life goes on. Find people who love you no matter what your past says about you and no matter where your future leads you. No matter where I have been and where I go I know I am home in my friends hearts.

And remember,

It is a happy chance if we changing continue to love a changed person. 

13 days...and counting. 

Bittersweet

Life has a way about making things so bittersweet. It seems when good things come they bring along a little bad with them. I used to be a "glass half empty" person, but not anymore. At this point in my life, my "god" eyes have me so focusing on the good things that I don't really even notice the bad things.

Thank god for that!

This last week has been amazing. Topped by getting to marry my best friend at the most amazing wedding ever - if I must say so myself! I wish I could live it over and over; I'm so blessed. I got to spend time, as little as it was, with some of the most important people in my life. My crazy little girl took her first real steps, spoke her first word and opened her first birthday present. My things are successfully being shipped to my new home and I'm not nearly as broke as I thought I'd be. Whew!

Thats the good... and I'd be lying to say there is any bad. There isn't. Life is good. God is good. But I have still found myself in tears a time or two. Its natural I guess, I'm sure it is. Doesn't make it suck any less.

Our wedding was perfect but it was a reality of how many amazing people I have to say good bye to. How many faces I'm not sure when I'll see again. Yes, its my choice and yes its the right one. Even if my brother asks me every 3 hours if I'm sure I want to move. Its still hard. I know I'll be back and I'm blessed I can do that. Its the people that live far from my Florida "home" that I'll miss. Friends and family that live all over the country, my Grammy. New friends I feel like I'm walking out right when we were about to become even closer. Thank god for the internet and call phones. Thank god nothing is permeant.

Charlotte is officially thinking about becoming a big girl! She has been taking steps like crazy and just this week she has 3 words! You know this kid is trouble when her first word is "touch". God help us all ... She opened her first birthday gift tonight. I know I'm supposed to say it went so fast or I'm so sad she's growing up but I can't. Charlotte has taught be a lot this year, mostly how little sleep I can survive on. She has taught be to be patient, to live life one day at a time, not to put pressure or limits on things and she has truly stretched me to love unconditionally. I could lie and say it is easy to love her but that's not always the case. She's demanding, unappreciative and pretty cranky. Uh, she's a girl. Even through all that I can honestly say I feel like the most blessed mom on the planet. Charlotte has forced me to love being a mom. Its been a bittersweet year.

So my little princess, we can hash it out everyday for the rest of your life, but I am so grateful to be your momma. And I pray everyday you will be just as grateful to be my daughter. 

Our things are off, we are down to days - 15 of them to be exact - and I'm not sure what are future holds. People keep asking me what I'm feeling. The answer is a lot. I'm scared and excited. I'm ready and not ready. I'm nervous and peaceful. All I know is that I have my family, a faith far beyond a country border and our days look bright. Really friggen bright! 

When god is for us, who can be against us, right?

Even though I know these last two weeks will be filled with lots of tears, I will make sure they are filled with even more smiles. I have two full weeks to celebrate with my friends and family. The things I can accomplish in two weeks are scary ;)