And then it happened

I've heard it said, 'a man falls in love when he sees his child but a women falls in  love when she finds out she's pregnant'. This was not so true for Luis and I. He was excited and in love with our little person far before he was Nicolas. I on the other hand, did not feel much of anything towards the baby I was carrying.


I never doubted I would be a good mother, never. I knew what were the right things to do and I knew I would do all the right things if I ever had a child. And that was a very big if! I always imagined myself traveling all over the world, visiting museums, seeing the most breathtaking historical sites and eating all kinds of wonderful foods. I thought I would complete years of school and have some great job. You know the kind where you smile shyly when people say, oh my gosh thats so cool; buy secretly you think to yourself, yah I know. 


Nothing has really changed. And well, everything has changed. I still want to go everywhere, see and do everything. My adventures spirit has not left me just yet! I wish never to have a day go by where I feel like I missed out on something the world had to offer, not one day! 


So needless to say, I would smile politely when people remarked about how excited I must be to be expecting. Old women at work would tell me about their grandchildren with such pride in their voices. Fathers were proud to come in to get all dressed up to give their little girls away. New mothers would tell me how incredible it was to be a mom. And of course the other pregnant girl who could not be more excited to be a mom that would talk forever! You know the mom you already know your going to hate at school because she just seems so perfect, yah those girls! But again and again, I would smile. 


On the inside I wasn't smiling, I was screaming in fear! 
What is wrong with me? 
Why aren't I that excited about my child? 
Was this a really bad idea?
Will I love this baby? 


The day had arrived, labor pains! Finally! Oh on a side note, I think that birth is very likely the most beautiful thing on the plant. So although I was still afraid to actually have my child, I was so excited to take part in what I consider life's greatest miracle. And eventually, there he was. My miracle had arrived! He was so tiny and he had so much hair! I was supposed to instantly fall in love, wasn't I?   

It was about two weeks later. Luis had gone back to work and the visitors stopped, we were finally alone. Just Nico and I. I remember it like I was yesterday. 


God I hope I always remember it like it was yesterday...


I was changing and dressing him and then it happened. I feel in love! I don't know what it was or why it happened right then, but it did. Like nothing else in the whole world mattered. I sat down in the rocking chair, cried and rocked him. Thank god I wasn't broken. I waited so long to feel that way! And what seemed like a job became a calling. And all those things that I knew I had to do for my son, became all these things I wanted to do! Everyday we have adventures together. I watch him discover new things, people and sounds. I love, love, love his gummy smile! And uh, his laugh! Nothing else in the world compares. 


Do you see what just happened, 'cause I do. I became one of those girls; the ones you hate, the ones I hate. Oh how funny life is and how grateful I am I took this trip, went on this journey of motherhood. And I am so glad I don't have to wait to travel around the world to witness breathtaking beauty. It sleeps next to me!

Thanks Raquel !!

Don't sweat the small stuff

This entire week I have sat to write and found myself at a loss for words. Well, written words that is. I felt as if nothing happened and there was nothing to say. And even though that is furthest thing from the truth it made me realize I rarely notice the stuff that matters. Recently, I have gotten really good at sweating the small stuff. Really, really good at it. 

I'm not sure when or why it happened but it did. And it hit me hard the other day. I said something hurtful to Luis. Yes, I know its not the end of the world but it is still wrong. Even more so for the fact that I take words very seriously! I'm a communicator, words are the way I express myself and I take other peoples words to heart. Luis knows this; he has learned (and put to practice) to be careful not to speak hurtful words to me. And I always try to think before I speak. So although its not the end of the world I said something hurtful, it was way out of character and my words were hurtful.

Thats when it occurred to me; this change that had happened. What happened to the girl who would skip class just because the day was too beautiful to waste indoors! And if a professor asked why I had not attended I would, with confidence, tell them I would not remember their class, but I would remember lunch spent in the park with friends! What happen to the girl who would dance for no reason, talk to strangers about anything and laugh way too loud about absolutely nothing.

Is life so serious I can go a whole week without stopping to yah know, smell the roses?! Or my wonderful Christmas tree. Yes, there are things that have to get done. Laundry to do, groceries to buy, bills to pay and countless other "important" things. But life is not that serious and I need to stop pretending it is! 

So today I celebrated my successes one by one, literately...

1) I decorated our first Christmas Tree! Beautiful if I say so myself.

2) With much trial and error I have finally found success pumping milk. 

which is incredibly important because

3) I have found a sitter for Nico so I can return to work in January. Luckily, she's a great friend who will give him all the love and attention he deserves.

4) I finished my beautiful handmade Christmas cards. And mailed them, family photos included! 

5) Luis and I got time alone! Massages, an evening out and a great night!

6) I spent Friday night celebrating my best friends 21st birthday, sparkly of course!

7) My son and fiance' <3

This is good

A few days have passed since I wrote last. I have been spending a lot of time at my parents house as Luis is working longer hours due to the holiday season. Although it is nice to have an extra set of hands (or six) to help with Nico, I miss my home! I suppose that is a good thing, when a house becomes more than what it is, when it becomes a home. When four walls make you feel more than just sheltered; when you feel most safe in that place. This is a good feeling! 


My house has felt more like a prison than a safe haven the last month. I have mostly felt very alone while at home. This accumulated in a meltdown of epic proportions last week! Awful! Luis is generally patient and understanding but I know on this particular occasion he was being pushed. I just lost it. Sadness overcame me and I was pushing him away even though the only thing I wanted was to be held and told it was going to be okay. We all eventually fell asleep, waking to a new day filled with the hope that yesterdays problems would be left in yesterday. 


As my day progressed I was struck by something that I had been telling myself. 'Everything will be okay'. What did this mean? Was 'okay' all I have been striving for? Was okay, just good enough? I didn't want my life to be just okay; as if I was telling myself I was willing to settle for anything less than amazing. And although this realization should have motivated me to see things in their goodness, it drew me back to that dark place I had just left. Why oh why do I do this to myself?


Luis' day ended and we headed south to spend the evening with my family at the Christmas Tree lighting in Historic Delray Beach. The drive was quiet, the previous night still lingering amongst us. Finally the silence was broken and conversation followed, discussing what was good and what was bad. What can we do differently and what are we doing right. I was reminded of all the reasons I am madly in love with my fiance' and how incredibly lucky I am he is mine. Oh how he understand me and sees my heart. This is good.


 The cool air was refreshing and people were flooded in the streets. I felt refreshed, this is what it feels like to be human. I hoped to show Nico the beautiful lights (he loves lights) on the tree but he slept, peacefully amongst the crowed streets and noisy restaurant. My dad picked the nicest, most overpriced restaurant on Atlantic Ave but we pilled in wearing camouflage and slippers. Christian and James stretched out across laps and chairs to fall asleep, as we sat laughing about how ridiculous we looked in this place. And then it happened, I smiled, I laughed and I was filled with happiness. Oh how I love my family! This is good. This is what life is all about. 

The last few days I have spent with friends, family and people who mine as well be family. And while we shared bonfires, Scrabble games and meals together we made memories. And not once did I think about the sadness that has overcome me a few days ago. Today I relearned something, something I always knew. I can continue to simply do what it is I am doing or I can choose to make it my desire. So this is what I will do, I will desire (or try really hard) to be passionate about being home with my son and the things I will experience in the process. I will do my very best not to fall victim to the sadness that seeks to destroy me. This is good!

Oh and this amazing little person is really, really good!! <3