This is good

A few days have passed since I wrote last. I have been spending a lot of time at my parents house as Luis is working longer hours due to the holiday season. Although it is nice to have an extra set of hands (or six) to help with Nico, I miss my home! I suppose that is a good thing, when a house becomes more than what it is, when it becomes a home. When four walls make you feel more than just sheltered; when you feel most safe in that place. This is a good feeling! 


My house has felt more like a prison than a safe haven the last month. I have mostly felt very alone while at home. This accumulated in a meltdown of epic proportions last week! Awful! Luis is generally patient and understanding but I know on this particular occasion he was being pushed. I just lost it. Sadness overcame me and I was pushing him away even though the only thing I wanted was to be held and told it was going to be okay. We all eventually fell asleep, waking to a new day filled with the hope that yesterdays problems would be left in yesterday. 


As my day progressed I was struck by something that I had been telling myself. 'Everything will be okay'. What did this mean? Was 'okay' all I have been striving for? Was okay, just good enough? I didn't want my life to be just okay; as if I was telling myself I was willing to settle for anything less than amazing. And although this realization should have motivated me to see things in their goodness, it drew me back to that dark place I had just left. Why oh why do I do this to myself?


Luis' day ended and we headed south to spend the evening with my family at the Christmas Tree lighting in Historic Delray Beach. The drive was quiet, the previous night still lingering amongst us. Finally the silence was broken and conversation followed, discussing what was good and what was bad. What can we do differently and what are we doing right. I was reminded of all the reasons I am madly in love with my fiance' and how incredibly lucky I am he is mine. Oh how he understand me and sees my heart. This is good.


 The cool air was refreshing and people were flooded in the streets. I felt refreshed, this is what it feels like to be human. I hoped to show Nico the beautiful lights (he loves lights) on the tree but he slept, peacefully amongst the crowed streets and noisy restaurant. My dad picked the nicest, most overpriced restaurant on Atlantic Ave but we pilled in wearing camouflage and slippers. Christian and James stretched out across laps and chairs to fall asleep, as we sat laughing about how ridiculous we looked in this place. And then it happened, I smiled, I laughed and I was filled with happiness. Oh how I love my family! This is good. This is what life is all about. 

The last few days I have spent with friends, family and people who mine as well be family. And while we shared bonfires, Scrabble games and meals together we made memories. And not once did I think about the sadness that has overcome me a few days ago. Today I relearned something, something I always knew. I can continue to simply do what it is I am doing or I can choose to make it my desire. So this is what I will do, I will desire (or try really hard) to be passionate about being home with my son and the things I will experience in the process. I will do my very best not to fall victim to the sadness that seeks to destroy me. This is good!

Oh and this amazing little person is really, really good!! <3