It all started when I realized that we were going to be totally, completely broke when we got to Colombia. Yes, we have money that we are investing in a business. Yes, we have a temporary palace to live. Yes, we won't starve (whew). I didn't hit me as hard as I thought. I responded to Luis' math with something like, "well thats all our money, it's okay, but that's it". I scared him more than it scared me. What seemed like a MOUNTIAN very, very quickly seemed like a molehill.
I logged on Facebook and the first thing on my news feed this story. My heart broke. I cried. Mostly for the mom and some for the baby. I know what it's like to be a new mom, I don't know what its like to be told my child is sick. I hope I never know. You see, I mostly cried because Amber had changed my whole perspective on expectations. She was so honest though-out her whole experience with Ben. She talked about mourning the child she planned to have and falling in love with the child god gave her. At the time, I was pregnant with Nico. I decided we wouldn't know the sex of our baby, we wouldn't choose a name, we wouldn't decorate the room and we wouldn't get to excited. I decided we would wait, wait and fall in love with exactly what god gave us. And we did just that. I birthed a nameless, sexless, room-less rainbow baby. He was perfectly healthy, happy and has exceeded all my hopes. I loved him just for who god made him.
And he was mine.
And he was mine.
You see, I thought I could protect myself, my heart. It did. Obviously another child was not part of my plan. To be so honest, judge me if you want, I have spent the last 32 months tired, exhausted and more days than not wishing I never had children. I actually wished some a lot of days I wouldn't be pregnant anymore, both times.
Awful? Maybe. Honest? Yes.
You see, the thing I've learned about god the last 3 years, he doesn't actually listen to anything I say. Annoying, I know! I say this and he does that. We're working on communication, its a big flaw of his. I didn't ask god for a child or another. I felt guilty, some people beg. I spent most of my days feeling like parenting was a chore, a burden, a task. I think its natural, especially as a mother. We get burnt out, we don't sleep, we feel over worked and under appreciated.
Its true. Its okay.
So last weeks blog read had my heart heavy and this process began, this process of understanding. I cannot imagine something happening to my children. < There was my first problem. I realized they aren't mine, theynever were, never will be. It hurt. It hurt when I realized god loved them far more than I ever could. I had to take a deep breath. I held Charlotte a little tighter and I kissed her head. She wasn't mine and god had every right to her. And then I realized how grateful I was that god loved my children more than me. I had a thank god moment! If I was responsible to love them unconditionally, be their source strength, their purpose, their source of love - I should have quit a very long time ago!
Sunday morning church was in your face. One of those, what do you really believe about god? And how far are you willing to go? I live in Ft Pierce. Growing up in West Palm Beach we would have told the only thing here was black people, drugs and violence. Well that's about right. I live here. Its a "that side of the tracks" kind of town. I live on the "other side". The side where you tell someone your address at the checkout and their attitude towards you instantly changes- they're not so friendly anymore, they judge you. Your "rich" and they're "poor".
Its okay, they can judge me.
So when we found this church, we were grateful. Its right downtown. Half the church is recovery addicts thanks to their recovery program. A quarter is the people we serve from the Cafe', the church volunteer run soup kitchen. A quarter honest doing their best people. I'm not sure you could find someone who judge anyone there. I think most everyone walks in wondering what the person next to them is there for. Maybe its kinda like jail, you can't ever be the worst guy but you're still a bad guy. No matter how real this church is the violence, crime and poverty in Ft Pierce is more real. The city is hurting. It won't ever make national news, no one cares about the 6 people that have been killed in my city this August. No one cares why they were killed. How they were killed. No big names. It won't be on CNN or FOX, there is no agenda. Its just real life.
And it is, real friggen life!
Maybe its not your reality or mine, but it is reality for most of the world. People go to bed at night not knowing if they will wake up in the morning. Me, I don't even lock my doors. They don't get to grow up and choose not to join a gang or a military or rebels. They get a choice between life and death. This bad or that bad. One way or another way. That's reality. It makes my heart heavy. It makes me pray a little harder, hold my kids a little tighter and love a little stronger. It makes me feel grateful and feel guilty all at the same time. Why did god put me in this country, in this family, in this body? What makes me so special. Why do I deserve this and they deserve that. Why, why, why? I make my head spin. I spin until I'm sick, literately sick.
Breath. In. And out.
I wish I had an answer on how to stop the madness. I know the answer. Its always been the same answer. Doesn't mean I know how to make people understand. To make them listen. To believe. I've come to understand in my walk with god all I am supposed to do is love. It sounds silly, trivial, simple. Well it is. The message was simple. Love god, love others. Thats it. It shouldn't be hard. But it is. We're human. We have a natural way of screwing everything up.
We are good at that.
I cried last night. I cried for a little baby I had heard a horrible story about what was done to her, how she died. I mourned her. I never met her. I don't even know her name. But she deserved my tears. I felt better. The weight was lifted from my heart. I realized - this is all god wants from me. My heart to be fully focused on others. Even if I don't know anything about them or if I'll ever see them again. The roads I walk in life don't take me to my purpose. My purpose is to love other just as christ loved.
Unconditionally.
That's easy, unless someone hurts you, someone you love, someone innocent. Sigh, I realized I had to love them too. Those people that make my heart hurt and my head spin in disbelief. Those people that make me wonder how there is a god who could allow these things to happen. Those people that make me run to god because I must believe there is a god. He knew we would be able to love our children, our spouse, the people who don't mean to hurt us or don't know better. He knew we wouldn't know where to start if we have to love the murders, the rapists, the oppressors, the tortures, the dictators. As much as I wish he did, Jesus didn't say, you don't have to love anyone that makes your heart heavy!
Actually, he said the opposite.
So here I am with my heavy heart, so I pray - almost always. Its the only way I know how to get through life since 10.14.12. Pray without ceasing. I asked for clarity. For understanding. For more peace. What was the point of all of these signs this week, what was I supposed to learn, to gain. I'm more confused about my future than ever. About to leave everything I know and go to a country I've barely visited. I don't speak the language, I don't know the culture, an overwhelming feeling of I don't know anything overcomes me often.
Where am I going with all of this I'm sure your asking.
I'm not sure. I'm sorry. This is my heart.
I realized I don't have any real answers, only love. I believe change starts with one person. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. I can be deliberate in my actions, my words, my life. I can be an example of love to my children. I have a job. A job god only gives certain people. A job I am blessed to have. I am a mother. A teacher. A warrior. I have been entrusted with two lives. Two minds. Two hearts. Two souls. Two people to shape. I have a job every single day to show my children god through me. To teach them to be compassionate, caring, selfless, confident, wise and most importantly loving.
"If it doesn't effect you then why do you care", is the most unloving phrase I've ever heard. If it effects people, it effects me. I can't protect myself from the disappointments the world will send my way. I can't shield my heart from being broken by the worlds hopelessness. I can't live in my comfortable world and pretend horrible things aren't happening right now. I can't not name my baby and expect to be spared from heartache. I can't stay on my side of the tracks and not hear the cries for help. I can't live in fear of the devil. I don't care what you believe about god, Jesus or whatever religion you want to call it. When all the world rose against him Jesus prayed, "forgive them for they know not what they do".
To know love like that will change the world!
Awful? Maybe. Honest? Yes.
You see, the thing I've learned about god the last 3 years, he doesn't actually listen to anything I say. Annoying, I know! I say this and he does that. We're working on communication, its a big flaw of his. I didn't ask god for a child or another. I felt guilty, some people beg. I spent most of my days feeling like parenting was a chore, a burden, a task. I think its natural, especially as a mother. We get burnt out, we don't sleep, we feel over worked and under appreciated.
Its true. Its okay.
So last weeks blog read had my heart heavy and this process began, this process of understanding. I cannot imagine something happening to my children. < There was my first problem. I realized they aren't mine, they
Sunday morning church was in your face. One of those, what do you really believe about god? And how far are you willing to go? I live in Ft Pierce. Growing up in West Palm Beach we would have told the only thing here was black people, drugs and violence. Well that's about right. I live here. Its a "that side of the tracks" kind of town. I live on the "other side". The side where you tell someone your address at the checkout and their attitude towards you instantly changes- they're not so friendly anymore, they judge you. Your "rich" and they're "poor".
Its okay, they can judge me.
So when we found this church, we were grateful. Its right downtown. Half the church is recovery addicts thanks to their recovery program. A quarter is the people we serve from the Cafe', the church volunteer run soup kitchen. A quarter honest doing their best people. I'm not sure you could find someone who judge anyone there. I think most everyone walks in wondering what the person next to them is there for. Maybe its kinda like jail, you can't ever be the worst guy but you're still a bad guy. No matter how real this church is the violence, crime and poverty in Ft Pierce is more real. The city is hurting. It won't ever make national news, no one cares about the 6 people that have been killed in my city this August. No one cares why they were killed. How they were killed. No big names. It won't be on CNN or FOX, there is no agenda. Its just real life.
And it is, real friggen life!
Maybe its not your reality or mine, but it is reality for most of the world. People go to bed at night not knowing if they will wake up in the morning. Me, I don't even lock my doors. They don't get to grow up and choose not to join a gang or a military or rebels. They get a choice between life and death. This bad or that bad. One way or another way. That's reality. It makes my heart heavy. It makes me pray a little harder, hold my kids a little tighter and love a little stronger. It makes me feel grateful and feel guilty all at the same time. Why did god put me in this country, in this family, in this body? What makes me so special. Why do I deserve this and they deserve that. Why, why, why? I make my head spin. I spin until I'm sick, literately sick.
Breath. In. And out.
I wish I had an answer on how to stop the madness. I know the answer. Its always been the same answer. Doesn't mean I know how to make people understand. To make them listen. To believe. I've come to understand in my walk with god all I am supposed to do is love. It sounds silly, trivial, simple. Well it is. The message was simple. Love god, love others. Thats it. It shouldn't be hard. But it is. We're human. We have a natural way of screwing everything up.
We are good at that.
I cried last night. I cried for a little baby I had heard a horrible story about what was done to her, how she died. I mourned her. I never met her. I don't even know her name. But she deserved my tears. I felt better. The weight was lifted from my heart. I realized - this is all god wants from me. My heart to be fully focused on others. Even if I don't know anything about them or if I'll ever see them again. The roads I walk in life don't take me to my purpose. My purpose is to love other just as christ loved.
Unconditionally.
That's easy, unless someone hurts you, someone you love, someone innocent. Sigh, I realized I had to love them too. Those people that make my heart hurt and my head spin in disbelief. Those people that make me wonder how there is a god who could allow these things to happen. Those people that make me run to god because I must believe there is a god. He knew we would be able to love our children, our spouse, the people who don't mean to hurt us or don't know better. He knew we wouldn't know where to start if we have to love the murders, the rapists, the oppressors, the tortures, the dictators. As much as I wish he did, Jesus didn't say, you don't have to love anyone that makes your heart heavy!
Actually, he said the opposite.
So here I am with my heavy heart, so I pray - almost always. Its the only way I know how to get through life since 10.14.12. Pray without ceasing. I asked for clarity. For understanding. For more peace. What was the point of all of these signs this week, what was I supposed to learn, to gain. I'm more confused about my future than ever. About to leave everything I know and go to a country I've barely visited. I don't speak the language, I don't know the culture, an overwhelming feeling of I don't know anything overcomes me often.
Where am I going with all of this I'm sure your asking.
I'm not sure. I'm sorry. This is my heart.
I realized I don't have any real answers, only love. I believe change starts with one person. I can't change the world, but I can change my world. I can be deliberate in my actions, my words, my life. I can be an example of love to my children. I have a job. A job god only gives certain people. A job I am blessed to have. I am a mother. A teacher. A warrior. I have been entrusted with two lives. Two minds. Two hearts. Two souls. Two people to shape. I have a job every single day to show my children god through me. To teach them to be compassionate, caring, selfless, confident, wise and most importantly loving.
"If it doesn't effect you then why do you care", is the most unloving phrase I've ever heard. If it effects people, it effects me. I can't protect myself from the disappointments the world will send my way. I can't shield my heart from being broken by the worlds hopelessness. I can't live in my comfortable world and pretend horrible things aren't happening right now. I can't not name my baby and expect to be spared from heartache. I can't stay on my side of the tracks and not hear the cries for help. I can't live in fear of the devil. I don't care what you believe about god, Jesus or whatever religion you want to call it. When all the world rose against him Jesus prayed, "forgive them for they know not what they do".
To know love like that will change the world!
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